Epistle of Joe: Reason No. 3 why nobody reads Song of Solomon (and a grand-prize announcement)

Need to know

The Bible Dictionary actually doubts whether Solomon is actually the author of Song of Solomon. And it has this to say about this poetic book:

"The JST manuscript contains the note that 'the Song of Solomon is not inspired scripture.' Both Jews and Christians have at times been reluctant to accept it into the canon of scripture because of its romantic content, but have permitted it on the basis of its being an allegory of God’s love for Israel and/or of the Church."

But after all of this publicity the book has received over past weeks, I'm concerned this is starting to sound to you pervs that this is actually Reason No. 3 to read Song of Solomon. Think again. That's why this is the last in the Song of Solomon expert commentaries.

Song of Solomon 3:1-11
"...I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me."

Good advice, that. Don't just have your man meet your folks. Get your man into your mom's bedroom. After that, it doesn't really say what should happen next.

Of course, there are always some more great pick-up lines. Here's a sample:

Song of Solomon 4:1-16
"Thy hair is as a flock of goats... Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn... Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet... Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins..."

Wait. What?

But that's not all. Just a few more body parts get honorable mentions in the final chapters (navel, belly, nose, roof of mouth). But I'm going to leave it up to you, the reader, to decide how far you want to read and what you want to hear compared to clusters of grapes and towers. Good luck.

And now, the moment both of you have been waiting for, the moment I announce the first grand-prize winner of the first Epistle of Joe contest. I asked you to correctly identify the voice of a turtle.

Thanks to those who guessed. B-Tuck wins a special grand prize to help him in his future sound-reproduction endeavors. Tell him what he wins, Johnny!