You're fired

Old-school smackdown

If there's one thing you'd learn from the Old Testament, it would be this: Don't mess with Elijah. And though that makes sense to you and me, some people just couldn't get it through their heads.

Take the prophets of Baal. The 450 prophets of Baal. You know Baal, right? Sun god, worshiped by many. Turns out Baal doesn't help you out, even if you're bleeding.

Check out 1 Kings 18:17-40 for the whole story.

Elijah challenged the 450 prophets to a monotheistic duel. Whose god was God? Was it Baal, represented by the 450 guys in the red shorts, or the Lord, represented by Elijah in the black shorts?

Here's how it went down.

Round 1: Each side picked a bullock, cut it up and placed it on an altar. Whoever had the god that could send down fire from heaven would win.

Round 2: The 450 prophets began in the morning by calling on Baal to light their sacrifice for them. By noon, they were getting nervous and began jumping on the altar. That's when Elijah began mocking them so much they began to cut themselves — a lot.

It's about this time Elijah could have coined the phrase "Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash." But that had to be left to the writers of "Top Gun."
Round 3: Day turned to evening, and when nothing happened to Baal's bullock, Elijah had had enough. But he needed to insult the 450 prophets some more. So he had barrels of water dumped over his sacrifice and said these memorable words: "Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the Lord God..."
You know what happens. Elijah wins. The fire from the Lord came down and consumed everything, including the water, altar, stones and dust. And the people believe in the Lord.

Then, in verse 40, Elijah says this: "Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape."
"And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there."

The part the white bible doesn't quote

Misconscriptured

Everyone's favorite part of the missionary handbook, often known as the "white bible," is the rule that says missionary companions are to sleep in the same room but not the same bed.

But then there's this:

Ecclesiastes 4:11
"Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?"

Classified ad

Need to know

I had this great idea to post the following in the newspaper:

I know, a lot of those books sound like made-up names. At some point, they were, I guess. But it wasn't me. All of those books are mentioned somewhere in the Bible. Most of them are noted in the Old Testament, but apparently, there was an epistle to the Church at Laodicea in the New Testament. Just thought you should know.

There are other lost books, too. You can read more about them in the Bible Dictionary.

Bottoms up!

Old-school smackdown

I've heard of getting your mouth washed out with soap. But here's how they did it in the Bible.

One time, Moses had been up on the mountain, and apparently, the children of Israel were a little too antsy for some guidance. So they had Aaron make them a golden calf out of all their earrings. P.S. I've always thought a golden calf was kind of a weak thing to worship. Why not a golden tiger or a golden bear?

The Lord told Moses what was going down, and when Moses saw it for himself, he was so ticked that he threw down the stone tablets, which were in mint-condition, breaking them.

Exodus 32:20
"And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink it."

Take that. And you don't even know where those earrings had been before or if Moses had washed his hands before strawing the gold upon the water.

I'm guessing their drink was nothing like the Golden Opulence Sundae that you can order for $1,000 at New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant.

The first cigarette ad

Misconscriptured

I can just imagine: The desert at dusk. Issac, weary from a hard day's work, heads outside to meditate. He pulls out a no-name cigarette, looks at it in disgust and strikes a match. And there, as the sun goes down, its final gleam rests on the future love of his life.

Genesis 24:64
"And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel."

Wow! Smoking in the Bible? Does that mean Camel was the official brand of the Old World? Can you imagine what the smoking world would be like now if R.J. Reynolds Tobacco had found the following verse instead of the one in Genesis?

1 Samuel 25:23
"And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground."

Instead of Joe Camel, I'm pretty sure this guy would be the spokesman for that brand.

Job's other great contribution

Need to know

When was your last close call? Almost late for a meeting? Nearly miss the bus? Return that DVD just before it starts costing more?

Chances are, you didn't say, "Man, I made it by the skin of my teeth." But you should have. Job would have been proud.

Most of you don't think of saintly Job as a wordsmith. You think of him as the epitome of faithfulness and longsuffering-ness. The Scriptures say he was perfect. And he proved it starting that one bad day in the land of Uz.

Remember, he had seven sons and three daughters, 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen and 500 she asses. It was all taken from him. And then the boils came. And then his friends told him to curse God and die. The guy wouldn't give up.

It was in the midst of all this that he came up with this gem:

Job 19:20
"My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."

Old Job was lucky to make it through his ordeal with his 2.5-millimeter enamel still intact, and the English language was lucky to get a new phrase that's still in use today by farmers and your mom.

At the end of the Book of Job, the Lord blesses Job with double the animals he had before, seven more sons and three more daughters, and the Scriptures say they were the hottest women around.

You really fall for Paul

Had to be there

Flip over to the Book of Acts and you can read about Paul the apostle. He once spent a week preaching in Troas.

When dinner time rolled around the first day he was there, Paul started his sermon, and even though people kept looking at their sundials to see what time it was, he kept going until midnight.

Acts 20:9-12
"And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.

And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him, said Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him.

When he therefore was come up again, and had broken bread, and eaten, and talked a long while, even till break of day, so he departed.

And they brought the young man alive and were not a little comforted."

There you go, preachers. Talk until people fall asleep and die, heal them, and you'll have an audience until morning. No one's going to forget that sermon. But they may forget to write it down. No one knows what Paul said. That's why you had to be there.

Can't bear it

Old-school smackdown

Can there be anyone who got off to a more rocky start with the people than Elisha? I mean, the guy had to take over for Elijah, who had just been swept up in a whirlwind and a chariot and horses of fire.

How are you going to top that? Elisha tried. He really did.

Within what looks like a few days after Elisha got the top job as prophet, he parted the Jordan River and healed the water in Jericho with salt.

But as he left the city, that's when the real trouble started.

2 Kings 2:23-24
"And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children [youths] out of the city and mocked him and said unto him, go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."

Yikes. Be nice to the prophet, kids, or else.

Salvation for whom?

Misconscriptured

Well, I just found out there's no salvation for monkeys and apes. That goes for possums, too, and quite a few snakes. And I'm pretty sure koalas and sloths are out. It says so right here in the Bible.

Galatians 3:13
"...Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree."