Moab: Destined to be slain since 1900 B.C.

Need to know

You know the Bible? Not so kind to Moab.

Take the guy, Moab, for instance. His father, Lot, was also his grandfather. Yikes.

And once the Moabites really got going, it doesn't seem they stood a chance in the Old Testament.

Numbers 21:29
"Woe unto thee, Moab!"

Jeremiah 48:28,38
"O ye that dwell in Moab, leave the cities, and dwell in the rock..."

"There shall be lamentation generally upon all the housetops of Moab, and in the streets thereof: for I have broken Moab like a vessel wherein is no pleasure, saith the Lord."

Ezekiel 25:11
"And I will execute judgments upon Moab; and they shall know that I am the Lord."

Amos 2:2
"But I will send a fire upon Moab..."

Judges 3:29
"And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man."

Best local restaurant

Need to know

Hi. Welcome to Levi's, where our food is banned in the Bible. How many tonight? The wait is about 15 minutes. Would you like to see a menu? (Click on it to see it larger.)

For a list of animals that are approved by Leviticus, a list that includes fish, beef, goats, grasshoppers and "every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth," see:

Leviticus 11
"These are the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that are on the earth..."

Be glad this one isn't in today's "penal" code

Old-school smackdown

I think there's something to be said for our society's self-defense laws. This rule seems a bit harsh.

Deuteronomy 25:12
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."

Basically, fellas, if you're getting beat up in a fight, your wife can't help you out.

A little help here!

Had to be there

One of the reasons I write this blog is to catalog some of the miracles in the Bible that are never explained. Some of them might get a passing mention in Sunday School, but the reason for many of the miracles is lost to us.

Take this one from Elisha:

Elisha and his posse began feeling that the place they were living was too cramped. So they decided to stake out some riverfront property on the Jordan and went to cut down some trees.

As one of them was chopping, the head of his borrowed axe fell into the water.

The lesson here, perhaps, is make sure your axe head is affixed tightly to your axe handle.

The secondary lesson is that if you're going to chop down a tree, take the prophet with you.

2 Kings 6:6
"And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim."


Anyone have President Monson's e-mail? Tmonson@lds.org doesn't work.

Another joke

Misconscriptured

Two of the brightest religion students at BYU — a young man and woman — just finished their third date. The young man was eager to finally do some kissing and the young woman, who was waiting for her missionary, not so much.

They agreed to resort to the scriptures for an answer.

The boy found:
1 Thessalonians 5: 26
"Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss."

And the girl replied with:
Mosiah 13:3
"Touch me not, for God shall smite you if ye lay your hands upon me..."

Baby names 2009

Need to know

Still looking for the perfect name for that baby? Can't make up your mind? Too hard to decide whether he'll be named Ethan or Jacob or Michael? Why not go outside the box?

Well, there's a book that can help you pick a unique name that's truly unforgettable. Look no further than the Bible to supply you with names from your wildest dreams.

You want a name that sounds masculine, right?
Why not start with:

Pithon (1 Chronicles 8:35)
Uzzi (1 Chronicles 7:3)
Ram (1 Chronicles 2:10)
Heman (1 Chronicles 15:17)

Maybe you want your son to reach beyond himself and exceed everyone's expectations. Names like this abound in the Good Book:

Non (1 Chronicles 7:27)
Nimrod (Genesis 10: 8-9)
Og (Numbers 21:33)
Zaza (1 Chronicles 2:33)
Madmannah (1 Chronicles 2:49)
Merodach (Jeremiah 50:2)
Evil-merodach (2 Kings 25:27)

Having twins? Don't forget the delightful duo of:

Huppim and Shuppim (1 Chronicles 7:15)

On second thought, please forget all of these names. Don't do this to your kids. Heaven knows what all of these guys went through on the dusty playgrounds of the Old World.

Mighty? Really?

Had to be there

I just never realized it before. I always thought of Dodo as a flightless bird: easily chased, perturbed, bothered and eaten.

1 Chronicles 11:12
"And after him was Eleazar the son of Dodo, the Ahohite, who was one of the three mighties."

Presidents of the United States and the Bible

Need to know

Six Jameses, four Johns, two Andrews, one Abraham, one Thomas, one Benjamin: 15 men who served as president of the United States and happen to have names found in the Bible.

James, John, Andrew and Thomas were apostles. Abraham was a prophet. And Benjamin was one of Jacob's 12 famous sons.

If we stretch and count Zachary Taylor for Zachariah, a former king of Israel, we have 16.

During today's inauguration ceremony, President Barack Obama will become the 17th president with a name found in the Bible.

Rubbish, you say?

Judges 4-5
"Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him. And the Lord discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet."

Hands off the ark

Old-school smackdown

Remember that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is confronted with dozens of goblets and has to choose the Holy Grail from among them? Walter Donovan, the Nazi sympathizer who has followed Indy to the cave, drinks out of a golden cup, which makes him immediately whither to dust.

The Grail Knight, who watches this happen with complete calm, makes the simple statement: "He chose poorly."

So did Uzza, poor Uzza.

King David had this plan to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and because he ordered standard ground shipping, Uzza ended up as one of the oxcart drivers who hauled the ark.

1 Chronicles 13:9-10
"And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God."

He chose poorly. The lesson here is that if the ark is gonna fall, let it fall!

Two chapters later, perhaps after having studied how the ark moved around in the olden days, David upgraded his carrier.

1 Chronicles 15:2

"Then David said, None ought to carry the ark of God but the Levites: for them hath the Lord chosen to carry the ark of God, and to minister unto him for ever."

Oh yeah. Good to know. Someone should have told Uzza that. Woulda been nice. Better outcome than this:

The first streak, a winning streak

Misconscriptured

Mark 14:51-52
"And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked."

Santa Claus is coming to town, and the scriptures prove it

Misconscriptured

In just a couple of days, all of your wee ones are going to pull out their Bibles before they hit the sack to commence their sugar-plum dreams. And if you're a good parent, you're going to help them make the call to St. Nick.

Hey, these are the Lord's words:

Zechariah 2:6
"Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the Lord..."

Be glad if you have a fake tree

Misconscriptured

So you have a real Christmas tree this year? It's probably your last year isn't it? I remember the one time we went to cut down a Christmas tree during a storm. The ground was muddy and I fell down while carrying it with my dad.

He was getting frustrated by that point and the guy hefted the tree by himself back to the car. I was pretty embarrassed, but I had to hand it to my dad for his feat of strength.

If you think about it, aren't there so many drawbacks to real trees?

Real trees can drop dry needles. They can dry out, fall over and become fire hazards. They can be homes for insects, spiders and other forest creatures, so adeptly described in the following documentary.



And all because of a real Christmas tree.

But you should know that the Bible hates Christmas trees, at least the real ones. Don't believe me?

Jeremiah 10:3-4
"For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not."

Give it up for Habakkuk

Had to be there

You have to hand it to Habakkuk. The guy lived in some troubled times. Jeremiah and Lehi were likely contemporaries. Think about what they were going through (Jeremiah proclaimed woes upon Jerusalem and Lehi got the heck out of there), and you can imagine Habakkuk's mentality, too.

Though nothing quite describes those times as this gem:

Habakkuk 2:15
"Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness."

Woah, Nellie!

Habakkuk probably doesn't get the praise he deserves for putting the kibosh on that practice. And his book of just three chapters is kind of buried at the end of the Old Testament. But he did get this great statue about 2,000 years later that makes him look like John Malkovich:


It was sculpted by this guy:


Not this guy:

A giant problem

Had to be there

Most people recognize the Bible is deficient in various ways: mistranslations, wonky editing, and one of the worst deficiencies, omissions.

It's a huge problem for me to realize what kinds of details have been left out. And you might say it's a giant problem, especially when it comes to giants.


Everyone knows about Goliath of Gath, estimated to be about 6 cubits, or 9 feet 9 inches tall. Compare that to Robert Pershing Wadlow's puny 8 feet 11 inches.

But what you should have seen is the rest of Gath. Apparently, Goliath had several giant brothers, and Gath was known as a hometown of giants and the likely corporate headquarters of B.C.-era Big&Tall stores.

And there may have been some gene mutation going on, as well.

1 Chronicles 20:6
"And yet again there was war at Gath, where was a man of great stature, whose fingers and toes were four and twenty, six on each hand, and six on each foot: and he also was the son of the giant."

If you look in the Bible Dictionary, there are no more than 11 references to the extra tall people of the days of yore. That's more than I expected to find, but still not enough. There's no explanation about where they came from and why, if they were so mighty, that they were basically destroyed. Though if they were anything like Goliath, they might have been jerks.

Really big jerks.

But I want to know more. How tall were they really? Did people fear all of them? Or were there gentle giants, too? Were there giant women? Did they have special eating utensils? Did their teachers call them the "special" students? Come on, Bible. Help me out.

Reason No. 3 why nobody reads Song of Solomon (and a grand-prize announcement)

Need to know

The Bible Dictionary actually doubts whether Solomon is actually the author of Song of Solomon. And it has this to say about this poetic book:

"The JST manuscript contains the note that 'the Song of Solomon is not inspired scripture.' Both Jews and Christians have at times been reluctant to accept it into the canon of scripture because of its romantic content, but have permitted it on the basis of its being an allegory of God’s love for Israel and/or of the Church."

But after all of this publicity the book has received over past weeks, I'm concerned this is starting to sound to you pervs that this is actually Reason No. 3 to read Song of Solomon. Think again. That's why this is the last in the Song of Solomon expert commentaries.

Song of Solomon 3:1-11
"...I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me."

Good advice, that. Don't just have your man meet your folks. Get your man into your mom's bedroom. After that, it doesn't really say what should happen next.

Of course, there are always some more great pick-up lines. Here's a sample:

Song of Solomon 4:1-16
"Thy hair is as a flock of goats... Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn... Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet... Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins..."

Wait. What?

But that's not all. Just a few more body parts get honorable mentions in the final chapters (navel, belly, nose, roof of mouth). But I'm going to leave it up to you, the reader, to decide how far you want to read and what you want to hear compared to clusters of grapes and towers. Good luck.

And now, the moment both of you have been waiting for, the moment I announce the first grand-prize winner of the first Epistle of Joe contest. I asked you to correctly identify the voice of a turtle.

Thanks to those who guessed. B-Tuck wins a special grand prize to help him in his future sound-reproduction endeavors. Tell him what he wins, Johnny!


B-Tuck, I'll give it to you at church.
Stay tuned for future contests!

Reason No. 2 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

Need to know

Reason No. 2 this week can easily be called Chapter 2. See where I'm going with this? This time, however, the writer of Song of Solomon seems bent on offending men instead of women with rather odd compliments.

I've come to the conclusion that the female voice of this chapter is perhaps in love with some kind of forest beast.

Song of Solomon 2:1-17

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether."

Sorry, guys, but I don't think this advice is going to win any ladies in the 2000s.

"The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills"

And maybe this chick is unique. Turn-ons include long walks in the forest, moonlit nights and peeping toms. Again with the beasts.

"My beloved is like a roe or a young hart behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice."

Ladies, to really win your man, try involving nature sounds during your date: a babbling brook, whispering breezes during a picnic or this:

"...the voice of the turtle is heard in our land."

Notice:
First Epistle of Joe contest!!!
Whoever can successfully describe the voice of a turtle in the comments section, wins!

Reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

Need to know

Ah, Song of Solomon, the oft-ignored book of the Old Testament. It's chockablock with, shall we say, interesting verses — 118 of them. Some say the book is an allegory of God's love for his people. But it also could have been written by a love-crazed King Solomon. (Yes, he of the 700 wives and 300 concubines.) Apparently, just because the guy was the wisest and richest king of his day, his little bit of prose made the final edit into the Bible.

This week, the Epistle of Joe brings you reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon, interspersed with expert commentary.

Song of Solomon 1:9-17

"I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver."

I'm sorry, but even though I read this in my most romantic voice, Marie didn't seem to like being compared to a company of horses. Weirdest thing.

"While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."


Um, is this getting to be rated R? At least you know things were smelling quite good. Spikenard is an aromatic oil, and myrrh is a kind of incense.

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of En-gedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes."

Wow, more animals, and not exactly cute ones. I really think we learned a thing or two about wooing women in the past 3,000 years.

"Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir."

Ladies, how do you feel when your man says you are pleasant? I'm pretty sure pleasant is a far cry from worshiping the ground you walk on. Oh yes, and behold, my house is stucco, and my walls of painted Sheetrock, and my lawn of grass. This is so romantic I can hardly stand it.

Nature's diet

Old-school smackdown

Short of a single example in "Star Wars," the earth doesn't count as a predator in the food chain.

However, rewind back to the Old Testament to Moses and the gang during their 40-year amble through the wilderness, and we'll see the earth take on a personality all of its own.

Forty years is a long time, and it's almost understandable how some people would begin to be frustrated. But Korah, Dathan and Abiram took their frustration to a dangerous level.

They convinced 250 leaders to rebel against Moses, and once again, the Lord was ready to lay down the law and remind everyone who was in charge. The Lord had to do that a lot back in the day.

The first smack came to Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families.

Numbers 16:32-33
"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation."

I'm going to guess that it looked something like this:


The next round of smackage was dealt to the 250 guys who were sucked in by Korah's schemes. They were consumed by fire from the Lord. A little after that, a plague came and 14,700 people were killed "about the matter of Korah," Numbers says.

A history of D'oh

Had to be there

Editor's note: We're veering away from the Bible this week to bring our Mormon friends an excerpt from the Book of Mormon.

Abinadi, everyone loves him. Stalwart to the end, he gave his life bearing testimony of Christ. I imagine him to be the rough and rugged type, not really the gray-bearded and aging prophet the paintings and cartoons make him out to be.

He was awesome. He could go toe to toe in religious debate with the wicked King Noah and his priests all day and night.

But the usually steel-trap-minded Abinadi only made, from what I can tell, one mistake.

In Mosiah, where we hear Abinadi's story, he's preaching to the king and priests and proclaiming the need for them to repent.


Surprise, surprise, they don't like this very much and try to kill him, but Abinadi escapes and hides for two years. And then he comes back in disguise and began to prophesy among them, saying,

Mosiah 12:1
"...Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people..."

Now, if you're going to go to the trouble of rounding up a disguise, which weren't exactly common back then, how soon are you going to give your cover away?

Abinadi did it in his first sentence. And I'm sure that as soon as he did, a slight "D'oh!" escaped his lips.

Fortunately, a lot of good came from Abinadi's mission as a prophet, which is the likely reason this part of his story gets skipped in Sunday School.

And now, for your enjoyment, "D'oh!" which has now been made famous by blundering buffoon and cartoon TV dad Homer Simpson.

Overheard at the MTC

Misconscriptured

This never actually happened to me, but as I served as a missionary, I heard countless stories of a single source of dread at the Provo, Utah, Missionary Training Center.

It wasn't the homesickness. It wasn't receiving the "Dear John" from a girlfriend. It wasn't the food. Well, it was the food — just hours later.

It was the post-dining experiences that seemed to create a common bond among missionaries, sometimes discussed at length and for years afterward.

I think the prophet Jeremiah sums it up best.

Jeremiah 4:19
"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet..."


Thanks to Keith for reminding me how much this verse really sings.