Old-school smackdown
I think there's something to be said for our society's self-defense laws. This rule seems a bit harsh.
Deuteronomy 25:12
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."
Basically, fellas, if you're getting beat up in a fight, your wife can't help you out.
Showing posts with label Old-school smackdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Old-school smackdown. Show all posts
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Hands off the ark
Old-school smackdown
Remember that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is confronted with dozens of goblets and has to choose the Holy Grail from among them? Walter Donovan, the Nazi sympathizer who has followed Indy to the cave, drinks out of a golden cup, which makes him immediately whither to dust.
The Grail Knight, who watches this happen with complete calm, makes the simple statement: "He chose poorly."
So did Uzza, poor Uzza.
King David had this plan to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and because he ordered standard ground shipping, Uzza ended up as one of the oxcart drivers who hauled the ark.
1 Chronicles 13:9-10
"And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God."
He chose poorly. The lesson here is that if the ark is gonna fall, let it fall!
Two chapters later, perhaps after having studied how the ark moved around in the olden days, David upgraded his carrier.
1 Chronicles 15:2
Remember that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is confronted with dozens of goblets and has to choose the Holy Grail from among them? Walter Donovan, the Nazi sympathizer who has followed Indy to the cave, drinks out of a golden cup, which makes him immediately whither to dust.
The Grail Knight, who watches this happen with complete calm, makes the simple statement: "He chose poorly."
So did Uzza, poor Uzza.
King David had this plan to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and because he ordered standard ground shipping, Uzza ended up as one of the oxcart drivers who hauled the ark.
1 Chronicles 13:9-10
"And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God."
He chose poorly. The lesson here is that if the ark is gonna fall, let it fall!
Two chapters later, perhaps after having studied how the ark moved around in the olden days, David upgraded his carrier.
1 Chronicles 15:2
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Nature's diet
Old-school smackdown
Short of a single example in "Star Wars," the earth doesn't count as a predator in the food chain.
However, rewind back to the Old Testament to Moses and the gang during their 40-year amble through the wilderness, and we'll see the earth take on a personality all of its own.
Forty years is a long time, and it's almost understandable how some people would begin to be frustrated. But Korah, Dathan and Abiram took their frustration to a dangerous level.
They convinced 250 leaders to rebel against Moses, and once again, the Lord was ready to lay down the law and remind everyone who was in charge. The Lord had to do that a lot back in the day.
The first smack came to Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families.
Numbers 16:32-33
"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation."
I'm going to guess that it looked something like this:
The next round of smackage was dealt to the 250 guys who were sucked in by Korah's schemes. They were consumed by fire from the Lord. A little after that, a plague came and 14,700 people were killed "about the matter of Korah," Numbers says.
Short of a single example in "Star Wars," the earth doesn't count as a predator in the food chain.
However, rewind back to the Old Testament to Moses and the gang during their 40-year amble through the wilderness, and we'll see the earth take on a personality all of its own.
Forty years is a long time, and it's almost understandable how some people would begin to be frustrated. But Korah, Dathan and Abiram took their frustration to a dangerous level.
They convinced 250 leaders to rebel against Moses, and once again, the Lord was ready to lay down the law and remind everyone who was in charge. The Lord had to do that a lot back in the day.
The first smack came to Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families.
Numbers 16:32-33
"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation."
I'm going to guess that it looked something like this:
The next round of smackage was dealt to the 250 guys who were sucked in by Korah's schemes. They were consumed by fire from the Lord. A little after that, a plague came and 14,700 people were killed "about the matter of Korah," Numbers says.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Jacob, Jacob and Sons
Old-school smackdown
Those wacky sons, full of quirks and hijinks. They sing and dance in a variety of musical styles: country-western ("One More Angel in Heaven"), Caribbean ("Benjamin Calypso") and French ballad ("Those Canaan Days"). Their harmonies are impeccable.
They wouldn't be the type driven to murder.
Or would they?
OK, fine. Everyone knows that when Joseph "The Dreamer" came around one day, some of the brothers thought they'd knock off Joey and say goodbye to his dreams. Lucky for Joseph and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Reuben (son No. 1) stepped in got his sentence reduced from death to thrown-in-a-pit-and-sold-to-Ishmeelites. You know the rest.
But that wasn't the first time the brothers had a taste for blood.
Flip back to another chapter in their lives, one we'll call Chapter 34.
Remember, Jacob didn't just have sons. He had at least one daughter we know about, the effervescent, witty and irresistible Dinah. And someone was in the kitchen with Dinah, someone named Shechem.
OK, we don't know for sure where Shechem defiled Dinah, but it might as well be the kitchen.
Poor Shechem. Yeah, he did that "which thing ought not to be done," as that chapter says. But he really picked the wrong family to mess with.
Even after Shechem and his dad apologized and said they'd like to make an honest girl of Dinah, some of her brothers, led by Simeon and Levi, hatched a plan for some serious payback.
These are circumcision tools. I'm not going to explain how they're used, but Dinah's brothers demanded that all the men of Shalem, the city where they lived, be circumcized, and all would be forgotten.
The men of the city agreed and Shechem was first in line. You couldn't get a circumcision fast enough that week. They were selling like hotcakes.
Ouch.
Genesis 34:25
"And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males."
Double ouch.
And if that wasn't enough, they spoiled the city, stole the oxen, sheep, asses, their wealth, their children and their wives and left for Beth-el.
Triple ouch.
But Jacob stayed pretty mad at his boys over this until he died. Even during his final blessing of the family, he cursed their anger and promised they'd be scattered one day.
There are so many lessons in this story that I'm not even going to try to explain them all.
Those wacky sons, full of quirks and hijinks. They sing and dance in a variety of musical styles: country-western ("One More Angel in Heaven"), Caribbean ("Benjamin Calypso") and French ballad ("Those Canaan Days"). Their harmonies are impeccable.
They wouldn't be the type driven to murder.
Or would they?
OK, fine. Everyone knows that when Joseph "The Dreamer" came around one day, some of the brothers thought they'd knock off Joey and say goodbye to his dreams. Lucky for Joseph and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Reuben (son No. 1) stepped in got his sentence reduced from death to thrown-in-a-pit-and-sold-to-Ishmeelites. You know the rest.
But that wasn't the first time the brothers had a taste for blood.
Flip back to another chapter in their lives, one we'll call Chapter 34.
Remember, Jacob didn't just have sons. He had at least one daughter we know about, the effervescent, witty and irresistible Dinah. And someone was in the kitchen with Dinah, someone named Shechem.
OK, we don't know for sure where Shechem defiled Dinah, but it might as well be the kitchen.
Poor Shechem. Yeah, he did that "which thing ought not to be done," as that chapter says. But he really picked the wrong family to mess with.
Even after Shechem and his dad apologized and said they'd like to make an honest girl of Dinah, some of her brothers, led by Simeon and Levi, hatched a plan for some serious payback.
These are circumcision tools. I'm not going to explain how they're used, but Dinah's brothers demanded that all the men of Shalem, the city where they lived, be circumcized, and all would be forgotten.
The men of the city agreed and Shechem was first in line. You couldn't get a circumcision fast enough that week. They were selling like hotcakes.
Ouch.
Genesis 34:25
"And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males."
Double ouch.
And if that wasn't enough, they spoiled the city, stole the oxen, sheep, asses, their wealth, their children and their wives and left for Beth-el.
Triple ouch.
But Jacob stayed pretty mad at his boys over this until he died. Even during his final blessing of the family, he cursed their anger and promised they'd be scattered one day.
There are so many lessons in this story that I'm not even going to try to explain them all.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Weapon of choice
Old-school smackdown
Speakers: on
Cue: "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim
Samson, Samson, Samson. Your stories are among the most-deserving to grace the Epistle of Joe. You truly laid down the smack. And it was great and true.
But it's hard to figure out where to start.
How about 1,000 dead guys? Yeah. That's good. If any of us normal people had to go out slaying Philistines, we'd probably prefer something either semi- or fully automatic. But not Sammy. He likes to use a little muscle. And he uses it with panache.
You know what this is? It's the jawbone of an ass. Samson, he who could not be hurt until his hair was cut, used this little number to slay 1,000 Philistines.
Because of a previous run-in Samson had with the 'Stines, a bunch of them tracked him down to bring him back to their land. Samson asked them to swear that they wouldn't tie him up.
Then they were like: "No way." And they tied him up anyway.
And Samson was like: "Watch this."
Judges 15: 15-16
"And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men."
And then he went home.
Speakers: on
Cue: "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim
Samson, Samson, Samson. Your stories are among the most-deserving to grace the Epistle of Joe. You truly laid down the smack. And it was great and true.
But it's hard to figure out where to start.
How about 1,000 dead guys? Yeah. That's good. If any of us normal people had to go out slaying Philistines, we'd probably prefer something either semi- or fully automatic. But not Sammy. He likes to use a little muscle. And he uses it with panache.
You know what this is? It's the jawbone of an ass. Samson, he who could not be hurt until his hair was cut, used this little number to slay 1,000 Philistines.Because of a previous run-in Samson had with the 'Stines, a bunch of them tracked him down to bring him back to their land. Samson asked them to swear that they wouldn't tie him up.
Then they were like: "No way." And they tied him up anyway.
And Samson was like: "Watch this."
Judges 15: 15-16
"And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men."
And then he went home.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
You're fired
Old-school smackdown
If there's one thing you'd learn from the Old Testament, it would be this: Don't mess with Elijah. And though that makes sense to you and me, some people just couldn't get it through their heads.
Take the prophets of Baal. The 450 prophets of Baal. You know Baal, right? Sun god, worshiped by many. Turns out Baal doesn't help you out, even if you're bleeding.
Check out 1 Kings 18:17-40 for the whole story.
Elijah challenged the 450 prophets to a monotheistic duel. Whose god was God? Was it Baal, represented by the 450 guys in the red shorts, or the Lord, represented by Elijah in the black shorts?
Here's how it went down.
Round 1: Each side picked a bullock, cut it up and placed it on an altar. Whoever had the god that could send down fire from heaven would win.
Round 2: The 450 prophets began in the morning by calling on Baal to light their sacrifice for them. By noon, they were getting nervous and began jumping on the altar. That's when Elijah began mocking them so much they began to cut themselves — a lot.
It's about this time Elijah could have coined the phrase "Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash." But that had to be left to the writers of "Top Gun."
Round 3: Day turned to evening, and when nothing happened to Baal's bullock, Elijah had had enough. But he needed to insult the 450 prophets some more. So he had barrels of water dumped over his sacrifice and said these memorable words: "Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the Lord God..."
You know what happens. Elijah wins. The fire from the Lord came down and consumed everything, including the water, altar, stones and dust. And the people believe in the Lord.
Then, in verse 40, Elijah says this: "Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape."
"And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there."
If there's one thing you'd learn from the Old Testament, it would be this: Don't mess with Elijah. And though that makes sense to you and me, some people just couldn't get it through their heads.
Take the prophets of Baal. The 450 prophets of Baal. You know Baal, right? Sun god, worshiped by many. Turns out Baal doesn't help you out, even if you're bleeding.
Check out 1 Kings 18:17-40 for the whole story.
Elijah challenged the 450 prophets to a monotheistic duel. Whose god was God? Was it Baal, represented by the 450 guys in the red shorts, or the Lord, represented by Elijah in the black shorts?
Here's how it went down.
Round 1: Each side picked a bullock, cut it up and placed it on an altar. Whoever had the god that could send down fire from heaven would win.
Round 2: The 450 prophets began in the morning by calling on Baal to light their sacrifice for them. By noon, they were getting nervous and began jumping on the altar. That's when Elijah began mocking them so much they began to cut themselves — a lot.
It's about this time Elijah could have coined the phrase "Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash." But that had to be left to the writers of "Top Gun."
Round 3: Day turned to evening, and when nothing happened to Baal's bullock, Elijah had had enough. But he needed to insult the 450 prophets some more. So he had barrels of water dumped over his sacrifice and said these memorable words: "Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the Lord God..."
You know what happens. Elijah wins. The fire from the Lord came down and consumed everything, including the water, altar, stones and dust. And the people believe in the Lord.Then, in verse 40, Elijah says this: "Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape."
"And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there."
Friday, June 20, 2008
Bottoms up!
Old-school smackdown
I've heard of getting your mouth washed out with soap. But here's how they did it in the Bible.
One time, Moses had been up on the mountain, and apparently, the children of Israel were a little too antsy for some guidance. So they had Aaron make them a golden calf out of all their earrings. P.S. I've always thought a golden calf was kind of a weak thing to worship. Why not a golden tiger or a golden bear?
The Lord told Moses what was going down, and when Moses saw it for himself, he was so ticked that he threw down the stone tablets, which were in mint-condition, breaking them.
Exodus 32:20
"And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink it."
Take that. And you don't even know where those earrings had been before or if Moses had washed his hands before strawing the gold upon the water.
I'm guessing their drink was nothing like the Golden Opulence Sundae that you can order for $1,000 at New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant.
I've heard of getting your mouth washed out with soap. But here's how they did it in the Bible.
One time, Moses had been up on the mountain, and apparently, the children of Israel were a little too antsy for some guidance. So they had Aaron make them a golden calf out of all their earrings. P.S. I've always thought a golden calf was kind of a weak thing to worship. Why not a golden tiger or a golden bear?
The Lord told Moses what was going down, and when Moses saw it for himself, he was so ticked that he threw down the stone tablets, which were in mint-condition, breaking them.
Exodus 32:20
"And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink it."
Take that. And you don't even know where those earrings had been before or if Moses had washed his hands before strawing the gold upon the water.
I'm guessing their drink was nothing like the Golden Opulence Sundae that you can order for $1,000 at New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Can't bear it
Old-school smackdown
Can there be anyone who got off to a more rocky start with the people than Elisha? I mean, the guy had to take over for Elijah, who had just been swept up in a whirlwind and a chariot and horses of fire.
How are you going to top that? Elisha tried. He really did.
Within what looks like a few days after Elisha got the top job as prophet, he parted the Jordan River and healed the water in Jericho with salt.
But as he left the city, that's when the real trouble started.
2 Kings 2:23-24
"And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children [youths] out of the city and mocked him and said unto him, go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."
Yikes. Be nice to the prophet, kids, or else.
Can there be anyone who got off to a more rocky start with the people than Elisha? I mean, the guy had to take over for Elijah, who had just been swept up in a whirlwind and a chariot and horses of fire.
How are you going to top that? Elisha tried. He really did.
Within what looks like a few days after Elisha got the top job as prophet, he parted the Jordan River and healed the water in Jericho with salt.
But as he left the city, that's when the real trouble started.
2 Kings 2:23-24
"And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children [youths] out of the city and mocked him and said unto him, go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."
Yikes. Be nice to the prophet, kids, or else.
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