Moab: Destined to be slain since 1900 B.C.

Need to know

You know the Bible? Not so kind to Moab.

Take the guy, Moab, for instance. His father, Lot, was also his grandfather. Yikes.

And once the Moabites really got going, it doesn't seem they stood a chance in the Old Testament.

Numbers 21:29
"Woe unto thee, Moab!"

Jeremiah 48:28,38
"O ye that dwell in Moab, leave the cities, and dwell in the rock..."

"There shall be lamentation generally upon all the housetops of Moab, and in the streets thereof: for I have broken Moab like a vessel wherein is no pleasure, saith the Lord."

Ezekiel 25:11
"And I will execute judgments upon Moab; and they shall know that I am the Lord."

Amos 2:2
"But I will send a fire upon Moab..."

Judges 3:29
"And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man."

Best local restaurant

Need to know

Hi. Welcome to Levi's, where our food is banned in the Bible. How many tonight? The wait is about 15 minutes. Would you like to see a menu? (Click on it to see it larger.)

For a list of animals that are approved by Leviticus, a list that includes fish, beef, goats, grasshoppers and "every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth," see:

Leviticus 11
"These are the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that are on the earth..."

Be glad this one isn't in today's "penal" code

Old-school smackdown

I think there's something to be said for our society's self-defense laws. This rule seems a bit harsh.

Deuteronomy 25:12
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."

Basically, fellas, if you're getting beat up in a fight, your wife can't help you out.

A little help here!

Had to be there

One of the reasons I write this blog is to catalog some of the miracles in the Bible that are never explained. Some of them might get a passing mention in Sunday School, but the reason for many of the miracles is lost to us.

Take this one from Elisha:

Elisha and his posse began feeling that the place they were living was too cramped. So they decided to stake out some riverfront property on the Jordan and went to cut down some trees.

As one of them was chopping, the head of his borrowed axe fell into the water.

The lesson here, perhaps, is make sure your axe head is affixed tightly to your axe handle.

The secondary lesson is that if you're going to chop down a tree, take the prophet with you.

2 Kings 6:6
"And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim."


Anyone have President Monson's e-mail? Tmonson@lds.org doesn't work.

Another joke

Misconscriptured

Two of the brightest religion students at BYU — a young man and woman — just finished their third date. The young man was eager to finally do some kissing and the young woman, who was waiting for her missionary, not so much.

They agreed to resort to the scriptures for an answer.

The boy found:
1 Thessalonians 5: 26
"Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss."

And the girl replied with:
Mosiah 13:3
"Touch me not, for God shall smite you if ye lay your hands upon me..."

Baby names 2009

Need to know

Still looking for the perfect name for that baby? Can't make up your mind? Too hard to decide whether he'll be named Ethan or Jacob or Michael? Why not go outside the box?

Well, there's a book that can help you pick a unique name that's truly unforgettable. Look no further than the Bible to supply you with names from your wildest dreams.

You want a name that sounds masculine, right?
Why not start with:

Pithon (1 Chronicles 8:35)
Uzzi (1 Chronicles 7:3)
Ram (1 Chronicles 2:10)
Heman (1 Chronicles 15:17)

Maybe you want your son to reach beyond himself and exceed everyone's expectations. Names like this abound in the Good Book:

Non (1 Chronicles 7:27)
Nimrod (Genesis 10: 8-9)
Og (Numbers 21:33)
Zaza (1 Chronicles 2:33)
Madmannah (1 Chronicles 2:49)
Merodach (Jeremiah 50:2)
Evil-merodach (2 Kings 25:27)

Having twins? Don't forget the delightful duo of:

Huppim and Shuppim (1 Chronicles 7:15)

On second thought, please forget all of these names. Don't do this to your kids. Heaven knows what all of these guys went through on the dusty playgrounds of the Old World.

Mighty? Really?

Had to be there

I just never realized it before. I always thought of Dodo as a flightless bird: easily chased, perturbed, bothered and eaten.

1 Chronicles 11:12
"And after him was Eleazar the son of Dodo, the Ahohite, who was one of the three mighties."

Presidents of the United States and the Bible

Need to know

Six Jameses, four Johns, two Andrews, one Abraham, one Thomas, one Benjamin: 15 men who served as president of the United States and happen to have names found in the Bible.

James, John, Andrew and Thomas were apostles. Abraham was a prophet. And Benjamin was one of Jacob's 12 famous sons.

If we stretch and count Zachary Taylor for Zachariah, a former king of Israel, we have 16.

During today's inauguration ceremony, President Barack Obama will become the 17th president with a name found in the Bible.

Rubbish, you say?

Judges 4-5
"Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him. And the Lord discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet."

Hands off the ark

Old-school smackdown

Remember that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is confronted with dozens of goblets and has to choose the Holy Grail from among them? Walter Donovan, the Nazi sympathizer who has followed Indy to the cave, drinks out of a golden cup, which makes him immediately whither to dust.

The Grail Knight, who watches this happen with complete calm, makes the simple statement: "He chose poorly."

So did Uzza, poor Uzza.

King David had this plan to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and because he ordered standard ground shipping, Uzza ended up as one of the oxcart drivers who hauled the ark.

1 Chronicles 13:9-10
"And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God."

He chose poorly. The lesson here is that if the ark is gonna fall, let it fall!

Two chapters later, perhaps after having studied how the ark moved around in the olden days, David upgraded his carrier.

1 Chronicles 15:2

"Then David said, None ought to carry the ark of God but the Levites: for them hath the Lord chosen to carry the ark of God, and to minister unto him for ever."

Oh yeah. Good to know. Someone should have told Uzza that. Woulda been nice. Better outcome than this:

The first streak, a winning streak

Misconscriptured

Mark 14:51-52
"And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked."