A giant problem

Had to be there

Most people recognize the Bible is deficient in various ways: mistranslations, wonky editing, and one of the worst deficiencies, omissions.

It's a huge problem for me to realize what kinds of details have been left out. And you might say it's a giant problem, especially when it comes to giants.


Everyone knows about Goliath of Gath, estimated to be about 6 cubits, or 9 feet 9 inches tall. Compare that to Robert Pershing Wadlow's puny 8 feet 11 inches.

But what you should have seen is the rest of Gath. Apparently, Goliath had several giant brothers, and Gath was known as a hometown of giants and the likely corporate headquarters of B.C.-era Big&Tall stores.

And there may have been some gene mutation going on, as well.

1 Chronicles 20:6
"And yet again there was war at Gath, where was a man of great stature, whose fingers and toes were four and twenty, six on each hand, and six on each foot: and he also was the son of the giant."

If you look in the Bible Dictionary, there are no more than 11 references to the extra tall people of the days of yore. That's more than I expected to find, but still not enough. There's no explanation about where they came from and why, if they were so mighty, that they were basically destroyed. Though if they were anything like Goliath, they might have been jerks.

Really big jerks.

But I want to know more. How tall were they really? Did people fear all of them? Or were there gentle giants, too? Were there giant women? Did they have special eating utensils? Did their teachers call them the "special" students? Come on, Bible. Help me out.

Reason No. 3 why nobody reads Song of Solomon (and a grand-prize announcement)

Need to know

The Bible Dictionary actually doubts whether Solomon is actually the author of Song of Solomon. And it has this to say about this poetic book:

"The JST manuscript contains the note that 'the Song of Solomon is not inspired scripture.' Both Jews and Christians have at times been reluctant to accept it into the canon of scripture because of its romantic content, but have permitted it on the basis of its being an allegory of God’s love for Israel and/or of the Church."

But after all of this publicity the book has received over past weeks, I'm concerned this is starting to sound to you pervs that this is actually Reason No. 3 to read Song of Solomon. Think again. That's why this is the last in the Song of Solomon expert commentaries.

Song of Solomon 3:1-11
"...I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me."

Good advice, that. Don't just have your man meet your folks. Get your man into your mom's bedroom. After that, it doesn't really say what should happen next.

Of course, there are always some more great pick-up lines. Here's a sample:

Song of Solomon 4:1-16
"Thy hair is as a flock of goats... Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn... Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet... Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins..."

Wait. What?

But that's not all. Just a few more body parts get honorable mentions in the final chapters (navel, belly, nose, roof of mouth). But I'm going to leave it up to you, the reader, to decide how far you want to read and what you want to hear compared to clusters of grapes and towers. Good luck.

And now, the moment both of you have been waiting for, the moment I announce the first grand-prize winner of the first Epistle of Joe contest. I asked you to correctly identify the voice of a turtle.

Thanks to those who guessed. B-Tuck wins a special grand prize to help him in his future sound-reproduction endeavors. Tell him what he wins, Johnny!


B-Tuck, I'll give it to you at church.
Stay tuned for future contests!