Reason No. 2 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

Need to know

Reason No. 2 this week can easily be called Chapter 2. See where I'm going with this? This time, however, the writer of Song of Solomon seems bent on offending men instead of women with rather odd compliments.

I've come to the conclusion that the female voice of this chapter is perhaps in love with some kind of forest beast.

Song of Solomon 2:1-17

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether."

Sorry, guys, but I don't think this advice is going to win any ladies in the 2000s.

"The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills"

And maybe this chick is unique. Turn-ons include long walks in the forest, moonlit nights and peeping toms. Again with the beasts.

"My beloved is like a roe or a young hart behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice."

Ladies, to really win your man, try involving nature sounds during your date: a babbling brook, whispering breezes during a picnic or this:

"...the voice of the turtle is heard in our land."

Notice:
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Whoever can successfully describe the voice of a turtle in the comments section, wins!

Reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

Need to know

Ah, Song of Solomon, the oft-ignored book of the Old Testament. It's chockablock with, shall we say, interesting verses — 118 of them. Some say the book is an allegory of God's love for his people. But it also could have been written by a love-crazed King Solomon. (Yes, he of the 700 wives and 300 concubines.) Apparently, just because the guy was the wisest and richest king of his day, his little bit of prose made the final edit into the Bible.

This week, the Epistle of Joe brings you reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon, interspersed with expert commentary.

Song of Solomon 1:9-17

"I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver."

I'm sorry, but even though I read this in my most romantic voice, Marie didn't seem to like being compared to a company of horses. Weirdest thing.

"While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."


Um, is this getting to be rated R? At least you know things were smelling quite good. Spikenard is an aromatic oil, and myrrh is a kind of incense.

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of En-gedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes."

Wow, more animals, and not exactly cute ones. I really think we learned a thing or two about wooing women in the past 3,000 years.

"Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir."

Ladies, how do you feel when your man says you are pleasant? I'm pretty sure pleasant is a far cry from worshiping the ground you walk on. Oh yes, and behold, my house is stucco, and my walls of painted Sheetrock, and my lawn of grass. This is so romantic I can hardly stand it.