Story of my life

Misconscriptured

I'm tall. I'm not huge, but at 6-foot-3, I'm well above average. So you can imagine that I've hit my head on quite a few objects. And I like to joke that my parents had me so I could reach objects on the top shelves for them.

But being tall isn't all slam dunks. It's fun to see the tops of everyone's heads, but just look at what happened to Goliath.

And when bedtime comes, the tall people of the earth try to rest, but they can't. It's a principle so important it landed in the Bible.

Isaiah 28:20
"For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch himself on it..."

Big thanks to Isaiah, who I'm sure was at least 6'5".

What the crap?

Need to know

It's interesting what you find if you regularly read the Bible. That's the point of this blog, after all.

Take a young missionary, for example. We'll call him Beau. Beau was diligently reading the New Testament in 1 John (not the Gospel of John). And he found a beautifully simple and direct testimony of Jesus in Chapter 5.

Here's a sample:
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
12 He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.

And it goes on like that until the last verse, which, though good advice, seems almost an afterthought:

1 John 5:21
"Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen."

Next to this verse, Beau made a small note in the margin. This is what it said:
"What the crap?"

Thanks to Beau O.

Another full moon

Misconscriptured

OK, pranksters. I know you're out there. I have another one for you. You're out and about and you've got the urge to drop your drawers and show your callipygian backside to the world. But you feel bad about doing something so childish.

Here's a way to draw your inspiration from the Bible.

Exodus 33:23
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen."

Weapon of choice

Old-school smackdown

Speakers: on
Cue: "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim

Samson, Samson, Samson. Your stories are among the most-deserving to grace the Epistle of Joe. You truly laid down the smack. And it was great and true.

But it's hard to figure out where to start.

How about 1,000 dead guys? Yeah. That's good. If any of us normal people had to go out slaying Philistines, we'd probably prefer something either semi- or fully automatic. But not Sammy. He likes to use a little muscle. And he uses it with panache.

You know what this is? It's the jawbone of an ass. Samson, he who could not be hurt until his hair was cut, used this little number to slay 1,000 Philistines.

Because of a previous run-in Samson had with the 'Stines, a bunch of them tracked him down to bring him back to their land. Samson asked them to swear that they wouldn't tie him up.

Then they were like: "No way." And they tied him up anyway.

And Samson was like: "Watch this."

Judges 15: 15-16
"And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men."

And then he went home.

Name game

Need to know

What do Bartimaeus, Mary Magdelene, Joanna, Susanna and Lazarus have in common? Give up?

Out of the 39 specific people and various multitudes Jesus healed in the New Testament, these five people are the only ones whose names are recorded.

What were their ailments? Bartimaeus was blind. Mary Magdelene had seven devils. Joanna and Susanna had either evil spirits or infirmities or both. And Lazarus had the most final of all maladies. Lazarus was dead and stinketh. They were all healed. Luckies!

Whose names do I wish I knew? The guy whose ear Peter cut off when Jesus was arrested, the centurion's servant, Jairus' daughter and Peter's mother-in-law. All of them were healed, too.

'Brake' it down

Had to be there

Ah, the dangers of leaning back in your chair. How many times have teachers/parents/spouses warned you not to do that? Here's why. Remember Eli? He was the high priest who started young Samuel on his path to prophethood.

The Lord told Eli to get his sons, Hophni and Phinehas, back in line with the commandments, or else. That "or else" happened when Eli learned his sons were killed in battle and the Ark of the Covenant was captured.

1 Samuel 4:18
"And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he [Eli] fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy."



Thanks to Fred for "tipping" me off to this verse.

Your pick

Misconscriptured

Hey kids! I've got a new anthem for you. It's something to recite before you have a food fight or a toilet-papering of biblical proportions. You pick when it's most fitting. Thank Zechariah for this one if you get a chance.

Zechariah 5:1
"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll."