Epistle of Joe

Moab: Destined to be slain since 1900 B.C.

2009-04-19T00:37:00.010-06:00

Need to know

You know the Bible? Not so kind to Moab.

Take the guy, Moab, for instance. His father, Lot, was also his grandfather. Yikes.

And once the Moabites really got going, it doesn't seem they stood a chance in the Old Testament.

Numbers 21:29
"Woe unto thee, Moab!"

Jeremiah 48:28,38
"O ye that dwell in Moab, leave the cities, and dwell in the rock..."

"There shall be lamentation generally upon all the housetops of Moab, and in the streets thereof: for I have broken Moab like a vessel wherein is no pleasure, saith the Lord."

Ezekiel 25:11
"And I will execute judgments upon Moab; and they shall know that I am the Lord."

Amos 2:2
"But I will send a fire upon Moab..."

Judges 3:29
"And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man."

Best local restaurant

2009-04-12T00:36:00.002-06:00

Need to know

Hi. Welcome to Levi's, where our food is banned in the Bible. How many tonight? The wait is about 15 minutes. Would you like to see a menu? (Click on it to see it larger.)

For a list of animals that are approved by Leviticus, a list that includes fish, beef, goats, grasshoppers and "every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth," see:

Leviticus 11
"These are the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that are on the earth..."

Be glad this one isn't in today's "penal" code

2009-03-29T00:35:00.001-06:00

Old-school smackdown

I think there's something to be said for our society's self-defense laws. This rule seems a bit harsh.

Deuteronomy 25:12
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."

Basically, fellas, if you're getting beat up in a fight, your wife can't help you out.

A little help here!

2009-03-08T00:34:00.002-07:00

Had to be there

One of the reasons I write this blog is to catalog some of the miracles in the Bible that are never explained. Some of them might get a passing mention in Sunday School, but the reason for many of the miracles is lost to us.

Take this one from Elisha:

Elisha and his posse began feeling that the place they were living was too cramped. So they decided to stake out some riverfront property on the Jordan and went to cut down some trees.

As one of them was chopping, the head of his borrowed axe fell into the water.

The lesson here, perhaps, is make sure your axe head is affixed tightly to your axe handle.

The secondary lesson is that if you're going to chop down a tree, take the prophet with you.

2 Kings 6:6
"And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim."

Anyone have President Monson's e-mail? Tmonson@lds.org doesn't work.

Another joke

2009-02-08T00:33:00.001-07:00

Misconscriptured

Two of the brightest religion students at BYU — a young man and woman — just finished their third date. The young man was eager to finally do some kissing and the young woman, who was waiting for her missionary, not so much.

They agreed to resort to the scriptures for an answer.

The boy found:
1 Thessalonians 5: 26
"Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss."

And the girl replied with:
Mosiah 13:3
"Touch me not, for God shall smite you if ye lay your hands upon me..."

Baby names 2009

2009-02-01T00:32:00.004-07:00

Need to know

Still looking for the perfect name for that baby? Can't make up your mind? Too hard to decide whether he'll be named Ethan or Jacob or Michael? Why not go outside the box?

Well, there's a book that can help you pick a unique name that's truly unforgettable. Look no further than the Bible to supply you with names from your wildest dreams.

You want a name that sounds masculine, right?
Why not start with:

Pithon (1 Chronicles 8:35)
Uzzi (1 Chronicles 7:3)
Ram (1 Chronicles 2:10)
Heman (1 Chronicles 15:17)

Maybe you want your son to reach beyond himself and exceed everyone's expectations. Names like this abound in the Good Book:

Non (1 Chronicles 7:27)
Nimrod (Genesis 10: 8-9)
Og (Numbers 21:33)
Zaza (1 Chronicles 2:33)
Madmannah (1 Chronicles 2:49)
Merodach (Jeremiah 50:2)
Evil-merodach (2 Kings 25:27)

Having twins? Don't forget the delightful duo of:

Huppim and Shuppim (1 Chronicles 7:15)

On second thought, please forget all of these names. Don't do this to your kids. Heaven knows what all of these guys went through on the dusty playgrounds of the Old World.

Mighty? Really?

2009-01-25T00:31:00.001-07:00

Had to be there

I just never realized it before. I always thought of Dodo as a flightless bird: easily chased, perturbed, bothered and eaten.

1 Chronicles 11:12
"And after him was Eleazar the son of Dodo, the Ahohite, who was one of the three mighties."

Presidents of the United States and the Bible

2009-01-20T00:30:00.002-07:00

Need to know

Six Jameses, four Johns, two Andrews, one Abraham, one Thomas, one Benjamin: 15 men who served as president of the United States and happen to have names found in the Bible.

James, John, Andrew and Thomas were apostles. Abraham was a prophet. And Benjamin was one of Jacob's 12 famous sons.

If we stretch and count Zachary Taylor for Zachariah, a former king of Israel, we have 16.

During today's inauguration ceremony, President Barack Obama will become the 17th president with a name found in the Bible.

Rubbish, you say?

Judges 4-5
"Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him. And the Lord discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet."

Hands off the ark

2009-01-18T00:29:00.007-07:00

Old-school smackdown

Remember that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is confronted with dozens of goblets and has to choose the Holy Grail from among them? Walter Donovan, the Nazi sympathizer who has followed Indy to the cave, drinks out of a golden cup, which makes him immediately whither to dust.

The Grail Knight, who watches this happen with complete calm, makes the simple statement: "He chose poorly."

So did Uzza, poor Uzza.

King David had this plan to bring the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem and because he ordered standard ground shipping, Uzza ended up as one of the oxcart drivers who hauled the ark.

1 Chronicles 13:9-10
"And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God."

He chose poorly. The lesson here is that if the ark is gonna fall, let it fall!

Two chapters later, perhaps after having studied how the ark moved around in the olden days, David upgraded his carrier.

1 Chronicles 15:2

"Then David said, None ought to carry the ark of God but the Levites: for them hath the Lord chosen to carry the ark of God, and to minister unto him for ever."

Oh yeah. Good to know. Someone should have told Uzza that. Woulda been nice. Better outcome than this:

The first streak, a winning streak

2009-01-04T00:28:00.003-07:00

Misconscriptured

Mark 14:51-52
"And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him:
And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked."

Santa Claus is coming to town, and the scriptures prove it

2008-12-21T00:27:00.004-07:00

Misconscriptured

In just a couple of days, all of your wee ones are going to pull out their Bibles before they hit the sack to commence their sugar-plum dreams. And if you're a good parent, you're going to help them make the call to St. Nick.

Hey, these are the Lord's words:

Zechariah 2:6
"Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the Lord..."

Be glad if you have a fake tree

2008-12-14T00:26:00.001-07:00

Misconscriptured

So you have a real Christmas tree this year? It's probably your last year isn't it? I remember the one time we went to cut down a Christmas tree during a storm. The ground was muddy and I fell down while carrying it with my dad.

He was getting frustrated by that point and the guy hefted the tree by himself back to the car. I was pretty embarrassed, but I had to hand it to my dad for his feat of strength.

If you think about it, aren't there so many drawbacks to real trees?

Real trees can drop dry needles. They can dry out, fall over and become fire hazards. They can be homes for insects, spiders and other forest creatures, so adeptly described in the following documentary.

And all because of a real Christmas tree.

But you should know that the Bible hates Christmas trees, at least the real ones. Don't believe me?

Jeremiah 10:3-4
"For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not."

Give it up for Habakkuk

2008-12-07T00:25:00.002-07:00

Had to be there

You have to hand it to Habakkuk. The guy lived in some troubled times. Jeremiah and Lehi were likely contemporaries. Think about what they were going through (Jeremiah proclaimed woes upon Jerusalem and Lehi got the heck out of there), and you can imagine Habakkuk's mentality, too.

Though nothing quite describes those times as this gem:

Habakkuk 2:15
"Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness."

Woah, Nellie!

Habakkuk probably doesn't get the praise he deserves for putting the kibosh on that practice. And his book of just three chapters is kind of buried at the end of the Old Testament. But he did get this great statue about 2,000 years later that makes him look like John Malkovich:

It was sculpted by this guy:

Not this guy:

A giant problem

2008-11-09T00:24:00.005-07:00

Had to be there

Most people recognize the Bible is deficient in various ways: mistranslations, wonky editing, and one of the worst deficiencies, omissions.

It's a huge problem for me to realize what kinds of details have been left out. And you might say it's a giant problem, especially when it comes to giants.

Everyone knows about Goliath of Gath, estimated to be about 6 cubits, or 9 feet 9 inches tall. Compare that to Robert Pershing Wadlow's puny 8 feet 11 inches.

But what you should have seen is the rest of Gath. Apparently, Goliath had several giant brothers, and Gath was known as a hometown of giants and the likely corporate headquarters of B.C.-era Big&Tall stores.

And there may have been some gene mutation going on, as well.

1 Chronicles 20:6
"And yet again there was war at Gath, where was a man of great stature, whose fingers and toes were four and twenty, six on each hand, and six on each foot: and he also was the son of the giant."

If you look in the Bible Dictionary, there are no more than 11 references to the extra tall people of the days of yore. That's more than I expected to find, but still not enough. There's no explanation about where they came from and why, if they were so mighty, that they were basically destroyed. Though if they were anything like Goliath, they might have been jerks.

Really big jerks.

But I want to know more. How tall were they really? Did people fear all of them? Or were there gentle giants, too? Were there giant women? Did they have special eating utensils? Did their teachers call them the "special" students? Come on, Bible. Help me out.

Reason No. 3 why nobody reads Song of Solomon (and a grand-prize announcement)

2008-11-02T00:23:00.003-06:00

Need to know

The Bible Dictionary actually doubts whether Solomon is actually the author of Song of Solomon. And it has this to say about this poetic book:

"The JST manuscript contains the note that 'the Song of Solomon is not inspired scripture.' Both Jews and Christians have at times been reluctant to accept it into the canon of scripture because of its romantic content, but have permitted it on the basis of its being an allegory of God’s love for Israel and/or of the Church."

But after all of this publicity the book has received over past weeks, I'm concerned this is starting to sound to you pervs that this is actually Reason No. 3 to read Song of Solomon. Think again. That's why this is the last in the Song of Solomon expert commentaries.

Song of Solomon 3:1-11
"...I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me."

Good advice, that. Don't just have your man meet your folks. Get your man into your mom's bedroom. After that, it doesn't really say what should happen next.

Of course, there are always some more great pick-up lines. Here's a sample:

Song of Solomon 4:1-16
"Thy hair is as a flock of goats... Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn... Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet... Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins..."

Wait. What?

But that's not all. Just a few more body parts get honorable mentions in the final chapters (navel, belly, nose, roof of mouth). But I'm going to leave it up to you, the reader, to decide how far you want to read and what you want to hear compared to clusters of grapes and towers. Good luck.

And now, the moment both of you have been waiting for, the moment I announce the first grand-prize winner of the first Epistle of Joe contest. I asked you to correctly identify the voice of a turtle.

Thanks to those who guessed. B-Tuck wins a special grand prize to help him in his future sound-reproduction endeavors. Tell him what he wins, Johnny!

B-Tuck, I'll give it to you at church.
Stay tuned for future contests!

Reason No. 2 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

2008-10-26T00:22:00.000-06:00

Need to know

Reason No. 2 this week can easily be called Chapter 2. See where I'm going with this? This time, however, the writer of Song of Solomon seems bent on offending men instead of women with rather odd compliments.

I've come to the conclusion that the female voice of this chapter is perhaps in love with some kind of forest beast.

Song of Solomon 2:1-17

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether."

Sorry, guys, but I don't think this advice is going to win any ladies in the 2000s.

"The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills"

And maybe this chick is unique. Turn-ons include long walks in the forest, moonlit nights and peeping toms. Again with the beasts.

"My beloved is like a roe or a young hart behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice."

Ladies, to really win your man, try involving nature sounds during your date: a babbling brook, whispering breezes during a picnic or this:

"...the voice of the turtle is heard in our land."

Notice:
First Epistle of Joe contest!!!
Whoever can successfully describe the voice of a turtle in the comments section, wins!

Reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon

2008-10-19T00:21:00.001-06:00

Need to know

Ah, Song of Solomon, the oft-ignored book of the Old Testament. It's chockablock with, shall we say, interesting verses — 118 of them. Some say the book is an allegory of God's love for his people. But it also could have been written by a love-crazed King Solomon. (Yes, he of the 700 wives and 300 concubines.) Apparently, just because the guy was the wisest and richest king of his day, his little bit of prose made the final edit into the Bible.

This week, the Epistle of Joe brings you reason No. 1 why nobody reads Song of Solomon, interspersed with expert commentary.

Song of Solomon 1:9-17

"I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver."

I'm sorry, but even though I read this in my most romantic voice, Marie didn't seem to like being compared to a company of horses. Weirdest thing.

"While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."

Um, is this getting to be rated R? At least you know things were smelling quite good. Spikenard is an aromatic oil, and myrrh is a kind of incense.

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of En-gedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes."

Wow, more animals, and not exactly cute ones. I really think we learned a thing or two about wooing women in the past 3,000 years.

"Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir."

Ladies, how do you feel when your man says you are pleasant? I'm pretty sure pleasant is a far cry from worshiping the ground you walk on. Oh yes, and behold, my house is stucco, and my walls of painted Sheetrock, and my lawn of grass. This is so romantic I can hardly stand it.

Nature's diet

2008-09-28T00:20:00.004-06:00

Old-school smackdown

Short of a single example in "Star Wars," the earth doesn't count as a predator in the food chain.

However, rewind back to the Old Testament to Moses and the gang during their 40-year amble through the wilderness, and we'll see the earth take on a personality all of its own.

Forty years is a long time, and it's almost understandable how some people would begin to be frustrated. But Korah, Dathan and Abiram took their frustration to a dangerous level.

They convinced 250 leaders to rebel against Moses, and once again, the Lord was ready to lay down the law and remind everyone who was in charge. The Lord had to do that a lot back in the day.

The first smack came to Korah, Dathan, Abiram and their families.

Numbers 16:32-33
"And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation."

I'm going to guess that it looked something like this:

The next round of smackage was dealt to the 250 guys who were sucked in by Korah's schemes. They were consumed by fire from the Lord. A little after that, a plague came and 14,700 people were killed "about the matter of Korah," Numbers says.

A history of D'oh

2008-09-21T00:19:00.006-06:00

Had to be there

Editor's note: We're veering away from the Bible this week to bring our Mormon friends an excerpt from the Book of Mormon.

Abinadi, everyone loves him. Stalwart to the end, he gave his life bearing testimony of Christ. I imagine him to be the rough and rugged type, not really the gray-bearded and aging prophet the paintings and cartoons make him out to be.

He was awesome. He could go toe to toe in religious debate with the wicked King Noah and his priests all day and night.

But the usually steel-trap-minded Abinadi only made, from what I can tell, one mistake.

In Mosiah, where we hear Abinadi's story, he's preaching to the king and priests and proclaiming the need for them to repent.

Surprise, surprise, they don't like this very much and try to kill him, but Abinadi escapes and hides for two years. And then he comes back in disguise and began to prophesy among them, saying,

Mosiah 12:1
"...Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people..."

Now, if you're going to go to the trouble of rounding up a disguise, which weren't exactly common back then, how soon are you going to give your cover away?

Abinadi did it in his first sentence. And I'm sure that as soon as he did, a slight "D'oh!" escaped his lips.

Fortunately, a lot of good came from Abinadi's mission as a prophet, which is the likely reason this part of his story gets skipped in Sunday School.

And now, for your enjoyment, "D'oh!" which has now been made famous by blundering buffoon and cartoon TV dad Homer Simpson.

Overheard at the MTC

2008-09-14T00:18:00.002-06:00

Misconscriptured

This never actually happened to me, but as I served as a missionary, I heard countless stories of a single source of dread at the Provo, Utah, Missionary Training Center.

It wasn't the homesickness. It wasn't receiving the "Dear John" from a girlfriend. It wasn't the food. Well, it was the food — just hours later.

It was the post-dining experiences that seemed to create a common bond among missionaries, sometimes discussed at length and for years afterward.

I think the prophet Jeremiah sums it up best.

Jeremiah 4:19
"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet..."

Thanks to Keith for reminding me how much this verse really sings.

A joke

2008-09-07T00:17:00.007-06:00

Misconscriptured

You've probably heard this one:

A new missionary was in town and wanted to go around and introduce himself. So he chatted with various neighbors and everything seemed to be going quite well.

Then he came to one home of a popular neighbor everyone suggested he meet. He knocked but got no response, which was funny, because he could hear sounds coming from inside the house.

He walked to a side door near the home's garden and even called out to see if anyone would answer. No luck.

So he left a calling card with his phone number and the following scripture reference:

Revelation 3:20
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him..."

He continued knocking doors in the neighborhood, and when he passed by the home an hour later, he saw his card had been removed, and in its place, another, with the following:

Genesis 3:10
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

Jacob, Jacob and Sons

2008-08-31T00:16:00.006-06:00

Old-school smackdown

Those wacky sons, full of quirks and hijinks. They sing and dance in a variety of musical styles: country-western ("One More Angel in Heaven"), Caribbean ("Benjamin Calypso") and French ballad ("Those Canaan Days"). Their harmonies are impeccable.

They wouldn't be the type driven to murder.

Or would they?

OK, fine. Everyone knows that when Joseph "The Dreamer" came around one day, some of the brothers thought they'd knock off Joey and say goodbye to his dreams. Lucky for Joseph and Andrew Lloyd Webber, Reuben (son No. 1) stepped in got his sentence reduced from death to thrown-in-a-pit-and-sold-to-Ishmeelites. You know the rest.

But that wasn't the first time the brothers had a taste for blood.

Flip back to another chapter in their lives, one we'll call Chapter 34.

Remember, Jacob didn't just have sons. He had at least one daughter we know about, the effervescent, witty and irresistible Dinah. And someone was in the kitchen with Dinah, someone named Shechem.

OK, we don't know for sure where Shechem defiled Dinah, but it might as well be the kitchen.

Poor Shechem. Yeah, he did that "which thing ought not to be done," as that chapter says. But he really picked the wrong family to mess with.

Even after Shechem and his dad apologized and said they'd like to make an honest girl of Dinah, some of her brothers, led by Simeon and Levi, hatched a plan for some serious payback.

These are circumcision tools. I'm not going to explain how they're used, but Dinah's brothers demanded that all the men of Shalem, the city where they lived, be circumcized, and all would be forgotten.

The men of the city agreed and Shechem was first in line. You couldn't get a circumcision fast enough that week. They were selling like hotcakes.

Ouch.

Genesis 34:25
"And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males."

Double ouch.

And if that wasn't enough, they spoiled the city, stole the oxen, sheep, asses, their wealth, their children and their wives and left for Beth-el.

Triple ouch.

But Jacob stayed pretty mad at his boys over this until he died. Even during his final blessing of the family, he cursed their anger and promised they'd be scattered one day.

There are so many lessons in this story that I'm not even going to try to explain them all.

Story of my life

2008-07-27T00:15:00.004-06:00

Misconscriptured

I'm tall. I'm not huge, but at 6-foot-3, I'm well above average. So you can imagine that I've hit my head on quite a few objects. And I like to joke that my parents had me so I could reach objects on the top shelves for them.

But being tall isn't all slam dunks. It's fun to see the tops of everyone's heads, but just look at what happened to Goliath.

And when bedtime comes, the tall people of the earth try to rest, but they can't. It's a principle so important it landed in the Bible.

Isaiah 28:20
"For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch himself on it..."

Big thanks to Isaiah, who I'm sure was at least 6'5".

What the crap?

2008-07-20T00:14:00.004-06:00

Need to know

It's interesting what you find if you regularly read the Bible. That's the point of this blog, after all.

Take a young missionary, for example. We'll call him Beau. Beau was diligently reading the New Testament in 1 John (not the Gospel of John). And he found a beautifully simple and direct testimony of Jesus in Chapter 5.

Here's a sample:
3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
12 He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.

And it goes on like that until the last verse, which, though good advice, seems almost an afterthought:

1 John 5:21
"Little children, keep yourselves from idols. Amen."

Next to this verse, Beau made a small note in the margin. This is what it said:
"What the crap?"

Thanks to Beau O.

Another full moon

2008-07-16T00:13:00.003-06:00

Misconscriptured

OK, pranksters. I know you're out there. I have another one for you. You're out and about and you've got the urge to drop your drawers and show your callipygian backside to the world. But you feel bad about doing something so childish.

Here's a way to draw your inspiration from the Bible.

Exodus 33:23
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen."

Weapon of choice

2008-07-13T00:12:00.008-06:00

Old-school smackdown

Speakers: on
Cue: "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim

Samson, Samson, Samson. Your stories are among the most-deserving to grace the Epistle of Joe. You truly laid down the smack. And it was great and true.

But it's hard to figure out where to start.

How about 1,000 dead guys? Yeah. That's good. If any of us normal people had to go out slaying Philistines, we'd probably prefer something either semi- or fully automatic. But not Sammy. He likes to use a little muscle. And he uses it with panache.

You know what this is? It's the jawbone of an ass. Samson, he who could not be hurt until his hair was cut, used this little number to slay 1,000 Philistines.

Because of a previous run-in Samson had with the 'Stines, a bunch of them tracked him down to bring him back to their land. Samson asked them to swear that they wouldn't tie him up.

Then they were like: "No way." And they tied him up anyway.

And Samson was like: "Watch this."

Judges 15: 15-16
"And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men."

And then he went home.

Name game

2008-07-09T00:11:00.004-06:00

Need to know

What do Bartimaeus, Mary Magdelene, Joanna, Susanna and Lazarus have in common? Give up?

Out of the 39 specific people and various multitudes Jesus healed in the New Testament, these five people are the only ones whose names are recorded.

What were their ailments? Bartimaeus was blind. Mary Magdelene had seven devils. Joanna and Susanna had either evil spirits or infirmities or both. And Lazarus had the most final of all maladies. Lazarus was dead and stinketh. They were all healed. Luckies!

Whose names do I wish I knew? The guy whose ear Peter cut off when Jesus was arrested, the centurion's servant, Jairus' daughter and Peter's mother-in-law. All of them were healed, too.

'Brake' it down

2008-07-06T00:10:00.006-06:00

Had to be there

Ah, the dangers of leaning back in your chair. How many times have teachers/parents/spouses warned you not to do that? Here's why. Remember Eli? He was the high priest who started young Samuel on his path to prophethood.

The Lord told Eli to get his sons, Hophni and Phinehas, back in line with the commandments, or else. That "or else" happened when Eli learned his sons were killed in battle and the Ark of the Covenant was captured.

1 Samuel 4:18
"And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he [Eli] fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy."

Thanks to Fred for "tipping" me off to this verse.

Your pick

2008-07-02T00:09:00.003-06:00

Misconscriptured

Hey kids! I've got a new anthem for you. It's something to recite before you have a food fight or a toilet-papering of biblical proportions. You pick when it's most fitting. Thank Zechariah for this one if you get a chance.

Zechariah 5:1
"Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll."

You're fired

2008-06-29T00:08:00.004-06:00

Old-school smackdown

If there's one thing you'd learn from the Old Testament, it would be this: Don't mess with Elijah. And though that makes sense to you and me, some people just couldn't get it through their heads.

Take the prophets of Baal. The 450 prophets of Baal. You know Baal, right? Sun god, worshiped by many. Turns out Baal doesn't help you out, even if you're bleeding.

Check out 1 Kings 18:17-40 for the whole story.

Elijah challenged the 450 prophets to a monotheistic duel. Whose god was God? Was it Baal, represented by the 450 guys in the red shorts, or the Lord, represented by Elijah in the black shorts?

Here's how it went down.

Round 1: Each side picked a bullock, cut it up and placed it on an altar. Whoever had the god that could send down fire from heaven would win.

Round 2: The 450 prophets began in the morning by calling on Baal to light their sacrifice for them. By noon, they were getting nervous and began jumping on the altar. That's when Elijah began mocking them so much they began to cut themselves — a lot.

It's about this time Elijah could have coined the phrase "Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash." But that had to be left to the writers of "Top Gun."
Round 3: Day turned to evening, and when nothing happened to Baal's bullock, Elijah had had enough. But he needed to insult the 450 prophets some more. So he had barrels of water dumped over his sacrifice and said these memorable words: "Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the Lord God..."
You know what happens. Elijah wins. The fire from the Lord came down and consumed everything, including the water, altar, stones and dust. And the people believe in the Lord.

Then, in verse 40, Elijah says this: "Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape."
"And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there."

The part the white bible doesn't quote

2008-06-25T00:07:00.001-06:00

Misconscriptured

Everyone's favorite part of the missionary handbook, often known as the "white bible," is the rule that says missionary companions are to sleep in the same room but not the same bed.

But then there's this:

Ecclesiastes 4:11
"Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?"

Classified ad

2008-06-22T00:06:00.013-06:00

Need to know

I had this great idea to post the following in the newspaper:

I know, a lot of those books sound like made-up names. At some point, they were, I guess. But it wasn't me. All of those books are mentioned somewhere in the Bible. Most of them are noted in the Old Testament, but apparently, there was an epistle to the Church at Laodicea in the New Testament. Just thought you should know.

There are other lost books, too. You can read more about them in the Bible Dictionary.

Bottoms up!

2008-06-20T00:05:00.008-06:00

Old-school smackdown

I've heard of getting your mouth washed out with soap. But here's how they did it in the Bible.

One time, Moses had been up on the mountain, and apparently, the children of Israel were a little too antsy for some guidance. So they had Aaron make them a golden calf out of all their earrings. P.S. I've always thought a golden calf was kind of a weak thing to worship. Why not a golden tiger or a golden bear?

The Lord told Moses what was going down, and when Moses saw it for himself, he was so ticked that he threw down the stone tablets, which were in mint-condition, breaking them.

Exodus 32:20
"And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink it."

Take that. And you don't even know where those earrings had been before or if Moses had washed his hands before strawing the gold upon the water.

I'm guessing their drink was nothing like the Golden Opulence Sundae that you can order for $1,000 at New York's Serendipity 3 restaurant.

The first cigarette ad

2008-06-18T00:04:00.007-06:00

Misconscriptured

I can just imagine: The desert at dusk. Issac, weary from a hard day's work, heads outside to meditate. He pulls out a no-name cigarette, looks at it in disgust and strikes a match. And there, as the sun goes down, its final gleam rests on the future love of his life.

Genesis 24:64
"And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel."

Wow! Smoking in the Bible? Does that mean Camel was the official brand of the Old World? Can you imagine what the smoking world would be like now if R.J. Reynolds Tobacco had found the following verse instead of the one in Genesis?

1 Samuel 25:23
"And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground."

Instead of Joe Camel, I'm pretty sure this guy would be the spokesman for that brand.

Job's other great contribution

2008-06-16T00:03:00.003-06:00

Need to know

When was your last close call? Almost late for a meeting? Nearly miss the bus? Return that DVD just before it starts costing more?

Chances are, you didn't say, "Man, I made it by the skin of my teeth." But you should have. Job would have been proud.

Most of you don't think of saintly Job as a wordsmith. You think of him as the epitome of faithfulness and longsuffering-ness. The Scriptures say he was perfect. And he proved it starting that one bad day in the land of Uz.

Remember, he had seven sons and three daughters, 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen and 500 she asses. It was all taken from him. And then the boils came. And then his friends told him to curse God and die. The guy wouldn't give up.

It was in the midst of all this that he came up with this gem:

Job 19:20
"My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."

Old Job was lucky to make it through his ordeal with his 2.5-millimeter enamel still intact, and the English language was lucky to get a new phrase that's still in use today by farmers and your mom.

At the end of the Book of Job, the Lord blesses Job with double the animals he had before, seven more sons and three more daughters, and the Scriptures say they were the hottest women around.

You really fall for Paul

2008-06-14T00:02:00.003-06:00

Had to be there

Flip over to the Book of Acts and you can read about Paul the apostle. He once spent a week preaching in Troas.

When dinner time rolled around the first day he was there, Paul started his sermon, and even though people kept looking at their sundials to see what time it was, he kept going until midnight.

Acts 20:9-12
"And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.

And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him, said Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him.

When he therefore was come up again, and had broken bread, and eaten, and talked a long while, even till break of day, so he departed.

And they brought the young man alive and were not a little comforted."

There you go, preachers. Talk until people fall asleep and die, heal them, and you'll have an audience until morning. No one's going to forget that sermon. But they may forget to write it down. No one knows what Paul said. That's why you had to be there.

Can't bear it

2008-06-09T02:23:00.009-06:00

Old-school smackdown

Can there be anyone who got off to a more rocky start with the people than Elisha? I mean, the guy had to take over for Elijah, who had just been swept up in a whirlwind and a chariot and horses of fire.

How are you going to top that? Elisha tried. He really did.

Within what looks like a few days after Elisha got the top job as prophet, he parted the Jordan River and healed the water in Jericho with salt.

But as he left the city, that's when the real trouble started.

2 Kings 2:23-24
"And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children [youths] out of the city and mocked him and said unto him, go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."

Yikes. Be nice to the prophet, kids, or else.

Salvation for whom?

2008-06-09T00:40:00.002-06:00

Misconscriptured

Well, I just found out there's no salvation for monkeys and apes. That goes for possums, too, and quite a few snakes. And I'm pretty sure koalas and sloths are out. It says so right here in the Bible.

Galatians 3:13
"...Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree."